Ghost Beaver Kick

Select Your Own Adventure™

The only thing worse than one bad day is two bad days; the only thing worse than two bad days was the day Craig Green was having.

Not only had he been poisoned, shot, and spoken rudely to, he was also in the process of exploding.

    All Craig wanted to do was cash a $35 dollar check and watch a movie. It wasn't an important check; just a happy ray of sunshine in Craig's otherwise painful life. Two weeks before his current date with personal detonation, Craig had managed to break both of his wrists chasing a pigeon with an egg beater. At the hospital he had overpaid for both of the casts, and the doctor's office had been kind enough to mail him the difference. Upon receiving the check Craig thought things were looking up, but sadly the only thing currently moving in that direction was Craig himself, and with astonishing speed.

    Wasn't it enough? Craig thought.

    He was surprised at his ability to think coherent thoughts while set alight - but then again, he had never suddenly burst into flames and launched himself toward the ceiling. Still, it was an unexpected surprise.

    Speaking of surprise, three others were equally, if not more so, startled by the unfolding events. The girl next to him, Cindy, clutching in her freshly manicured hands a movie ticket gawked as Craig's pants caught fire. Behind Craig, a mother held her purse close in case the treasure trove of tissues, fast food napkins, and hand sanitizer inside of her purse followed the example set by Craig's pants. Next to the mother, a little boy holding a box of popcorn stood wide-eyed as Craig's beard burst into red-orange flame. The boy would later finish the popcorn, be given a vanilla ice cream cone to help with the shock, and grow up to be clean shaven.

    Craig thought a few other things in the time he had. He thought: What is happening? Why am I so warm? and Why was that melon I had for lunch so tough?

    But all of his melon-centered thoughts stopped when Craig hit the movie theatre's uniformly soothing light blue ceiling, did the equivalent of three free falling cartwheels, and landed on the plastic container that held the used REAL 3D glasses.

    Upon landing, Craig's body opted became a man-sized grenade, exploding into five hundred fiery chunks that broke two of Cindy's nails, ignited the hand sanitizer in the woman's purse and melted about 80% of the REAL 3D glasses.

    Craig's life had not been a terribly good one. He had been forced to live through five concussions, two broken legs, three consecutive bouts of viral meningitis and the humiliation of being assaulted by a pigeon wielding an egg beater. Fortunately, this is not the story of Craig's life. Craig was some three time zones and 6000 kilometres away from our hero, who was wandering the Canadian forest, completely oblivious to the fact that spontaneous human combustion was suddenly back in style. That hero was Ghost Beaver Kick, and the movie on the screen was about him.

To find out more about THE MOVIE, turn to Page 9

To return to the THEATRE, PRE-CRAIG EXPLOSION, turn to Page 1

To go home and never think of this again, flip to the front cover